He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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