There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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