if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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