i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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