She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
