I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
