i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Even my vagina gasped.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
