so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i think i have herpe
just one?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
