I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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