saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
