I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
