You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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