I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
