i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
