Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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