I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
