Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
