She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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