god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
