I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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