Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
