When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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