I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
