my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
whose parrot is this?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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