why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
