1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
