My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
This is the high leading the old right now
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
