she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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