Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS