I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
