toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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