When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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