hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
