I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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