I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
