ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
