We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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