Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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