You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
