did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize