is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
