I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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