the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
