You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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