Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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