We're like a lot better than the average bears
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Randomize
