She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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