My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
