I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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