The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
