I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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