even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Everclear isn't food dammit
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
