I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
