Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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