After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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