Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize