I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
