I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
