Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Randomize
